In a previous blog I was going on about threeways. Well I am now finally able to say that I have done one better (or worse) than that with my current partner. I have been with another couple with him. NEVER AGAIN!!!! I thought that I was able to handle this, however it seems that I was wrong. This kind of thing is not to be entered into blindly.
We decided to go to the Spa again last night and relax. We were meant to be meeting a woman, Spice we shall call her. Well either she never turned up, or we just never found her (but not through lack of trying I might point out). Well we were also meant to be meeting up with this couple who I thought would be nice people and not the pushy ones. Boy was I wrong about that one. I’ve come to the conclusion never to trust my impulses, the results are never good.
Well, anyways back to what I was saying. The couple we shall call Lion and Tigress. Well they turned up at the spa, and he seemed timid, which I liked as it made me feel at ease. She on the other hand was a bit of a live wire, which I love in women but not in men. So I was feeling comfortable around them, and so was the boyfriend who we shall call Xzebbedy. Well we spent about an hour down in the spa area which was wonderful, they were relaxed, we were relaxed, until they suggested going upstairs to the ‘rest rooms’ also known as the ‘play rooms’, so you can imagine what goes on in there.
Anyways, I hadn’t got my antipsychotics with me, so my head was all over the place. But all started off well considering how I was feeling, I was playing with Xzebbedy and tigress was playing with Lion, and then the roles reversed and the guys were playing with us women. This is when I started to freak. There was a guy standing over me, breathing on me and playing with himself over the sight of us, which I couldn’t stand because I didn’t know him and he wasn’t invited to join in. Well then the couple decided we should go and move into the big room with the lockable door, so we did. We started chatting which put me at ease, and we told them that we’d never been with another woman, let alone another couple thinking they’d go slow. Like hell did they!!
We started playing with each other again like we were, then all of a sudden Lion came out with “would you like to touch tigress” to me, which Xzebbedy replied back with “yeah she would” which was true I did seeing as I love being with a woman, and this I was comfy with, until they started having sex and Lion started touching me without my permission.
Now there is something you need to know in order to understand why these experiences were freaking me out. When I was 11 I was raped by my boyfriend, then again when I was 18 I was raped on a regular basis by my boyfriend who I thought I loved (the reason why I never left him till 5 months later is because I thought I deserved the way I was being treated because of the way I am mentally). Then when I was 19/20 I was date raped. So guys touching me without my permission and forcing me to do things that I’d rather not do sends my head wild in a bad way, and this was no exception.
Tigress came and started doing stuff with Xzebbedy while I was playing with him myself, and Lion was going down on me, again without my permission, so by this point I was freaking out A LOT and couldn’t say anything because Xzebbedy looked like he was having a good time so I just tried to hide it all. Now Xzebbedy and I playing with Tigress was fine, I could cope with that, that was fun. However when Lion decided that he wanted to play with me, he started kissing me, which I quickly broke off and went to playing with him hoping it wouldn’t go any further than that, but I was wrong. He grabbed hold of my head and pulled it up and forced his tongue into my mouth. He then followed with “Can I f**k you?” and withouth waiting for me to say anything laid me down and grabbed a condom!! At this point, Xzebbedy looked over and saw us and I felt like a prostitute again, ddoing all of this for his pleasure and his alone. None of this was what I wanted. But seeing as Lion was having his way with me, Tigress decided she was going to do the self same thing Xzebbedy, and put a condom on him. Now seeing Xzebbedy having intercourse with another woman ripped my heart out and made me feel dirty, unloved, and unwanted. My voices were kicking off majorly, and I felt like a lost little girl who was out of her depth.
To make things worse, Lion had pushed me over and underneath Xzebbedy so that i could then pleasure Xzebbedy while he was still having his way with me. This was one thing that I had always said that I would never do again in my life because it was something I was never able to do without getting horrid flash backs. We eventually ended up having to leave the spa because I needed to take my anti psychotics just to calm down, or at least try to.
The culmination of things that I have been going through lately just came to a head yesterday and its pushed me back further than I had hoped it would do. But as usual I will get over it eventually……… Well at least one would hope I do. If I’m honest, this was possibly one of the worst times to ever do anything like that, and if I’m honest I am never doing anything like that again.
But if last night showed me anything, it’s that Xzebbedy is the love of my life, and nothing is ever going to change that for me. We have been through so much over the last year and a bit, and I am so glad that he and I are still together and still going strong. He is the one that I want to be with for the rest of my life, because he is the only one who is able to handle me at my worst and the only man I trust enough to open up to fully about my past and everything else in between. I want to be his wife, is best friend, his life time companion. I want to be the one he wakes up every morning to, and the one he cuddles at night in bed. I love him more anything, and I always will do.
If there is one thing that you take away from this? Take away the fact that threeways, fourways, whatever. If your going to do them, do them with someone you trust with your life. At least that way you know if it goes tits up, you have someone you trust to help you out with the way your feeling.