I have a hard decision to make. As you all know I do have a boyfriend, and I love him I really do. He is my life and I could not live without him. We’re having a few difficulties at the moment in the form of me not being able to talk about random things with him in person, but I can chat for the olympics over text. I’m not a people person, nor do I have any social skills due to my childhood. I picked up that something was wrong a couple of weeks ago (thanks to my empathic abilities). I asked what it was and he just brushed me off like normal. Now normally I wouldn’t push the subject, however this time it was eating me up inside and it needed to come out. I pushed and pushed, and actually wished I hadn’t done now. The thing that was wrong with him he said was a deal breaker in our relationship. He thought that it was going to destroy both me and our relationship.
Now before I carry on with that there is something that needs to be said about this situation. When he and I first got together, he told me about a particular ex who was the last girl that he was in love with before he met me. She had screwed with his head, his heart and his emotions for about a year or two and he couldn’t get over her. I didn’t care because at the time I was still in love with my ex from about 3 years ago but hadn’t told anyone this. As time went on he and I grew closer, and he eventually told me what she had done. She used to manipulate him into getting back with her, telling him that she didn’t have a partner anymore, and that she still loved him, etc etc. Well it turned out that she was lying to both him and the guys that she was with. I knew how much it had hurt him, and this was something that I wanted to avoid ever happening again. And I had managed it. Until the end of January. She added him back on Facebook, saying that she just wanted to be friends with him again. Well me being me and seeing the best in people, told him that I was fine if he and her became friends again, and even messaged her saying that I was fine with it. DO NOT EVER DO THAT!!!! If you only take one thing from this blog, take that you do not allow your partner to talk to an ex that they still have feelings for, it screwed us up. He spoke to her everyday and actually ended up ignoring me and avoiding me because of it. Our sex life went down the pan (he kept blaming his tablets but I knew better).
Now then, back to the whole deal breaker thing. He confessed to me that night during an argument over him being a hypocrite that he was still in love with his ex. I asked him if he still wanted to be with me or if he wanted her, and he told me that he didn’t know. Now having BPD I tend to overanalyze things, and this was one subject I had overanalyzed too badly. I lost my temper with him and actually grabbed my stuff and told him to contact me when he had decided. I had already spent 15 minutes sitting in his toilet crying my eyes out over it. I didn’t know what I was going to do without him. Well to cut this short, he and I broke up. I was devastated and actually tried to take my own life that night yet again. My mum actually caught me and stopped me from doing any real harm. Friday night and all of Saturday I cried. I even cried in my sleep apparently. But this is the problem, I started thinking too much again.
I have a very good friend of mine who has been there for me through thick and thin, and I have been the same with her. I have always had very strong feelings for this woman, but had always just pushed them down so that she could be happy and I could be happy. But when my partner and I broke up, she and I got talking, and I got thinking again. Those feelings that had been long buried deep inside of me came resurfacing again. I didn’t know what to do. I was a mess, and all I wanted to do was go running to her and cry, which is what I did in the end. She told me that she had liked me for years, and that got my mind racing with the thought that she and I might finally get to be together. I was devastated over the break up and wanted to be back with my partner again, but then on the other hand I also wanted her. To me she was perfect but she could never see what I saw in her. In my eyes there aren’t enough words to describe how I feel about her. But this is where it gets tricky for me. I am back with my partner, and he has removed his ex from his life, and he wants to give this a proper go between us again, but I can’t help thinking about her. They both occupy my thoughts and my dreams, and in the ideal world I would have them both as my partners, and we could all share each other, but we don’t live in an ideal world.
I am terrified that he is going to break my heart again and get back with his ex, and we are going back to his parents for the week at the beginning of June, which is in the same town as she lives in. He hasn’t seen her in almost 2 years, and she hasn’t seen him. Now I am worried that something is going to happen up there between them. But my other side hopes that something does so I can then be with the woman I want to be with. You see I am torn between the two. I know I am in love with my partner, but then with the woman I can’t work out if it is love or lust. My partner thinks its lust, but he hasn’t heard me describing her. If I’m honest I’m torn and don’t know what to do, and this is not something that I can discuss with him, as he too has mental health issues that are just as bad as mine are.