This Is Me.

Hey all, well this is my new blog page. As you can tell by the title, this is a page for me to get everything out. Let me start off by explaining something. I am mentally ill. I suffer from something called Borderline Personality Disorder. What it is, is that I hear voices, see things that don’t exist, I have terrible mood swings, and an addiction to self harming. I use burning as a way of punishing myself for things that I have done in the past.

I’ve not had the best of childhoods if I’m honest. It has nothing to do with my parents (well not much anyway). I was victimized in school because of the way I am. I help the needy, the victims, the people who can’t defend themselves, and that got me into a lot of trouble when I was at school. It came to my parent’s attention just how bad things were when I almost died at the hands of the bullies. I was called crazy and insane by teachers because they turned a blind eye to what was going on at school. I had a horrid time, and it came to a head when I actually tried killing myself for the second time when I was 15. the first time I tried drowning myself in my local swimming pool, however my brother pulled me out of it. The second time I was at home and it was Father’s day, Seven days before my brother’s 14th birthday. That was when I overdosed on some not too pleasant tablets. I ended up in hospital, again on my death bed, and spent the week in there. The doctors told me that the amount I had taken I should be dead (that was the first time I was told that by doctors). I was then put into Colwood in Haywards Heath, which is a psychiatric hospital for mentally ill children and adolescents. I came about a few weeks before my 16th birthday, and had to move schools for the second time, and move house for the second time, all because of the bullies following me over to the next town. For months I was afraid to leave the house out of fear that something was going to happen to me, or that they would be there waiting for me. I was home schooled until I could get into another school, and I decided to change. I cut all my hair off and dyed it. The old Kirsty was dead, and the bitch was born.

I ended up creating a separate personality to protect myself which actually backfired on me later on in life. When I was 19 I again overdosed, and this was on the weekend 2 days after my brother’s 18th birthday. Now I know what you are all thinking ‘how could she ruin his birthday again like that’, but at the time I was very unstable. I thought that I was in love with this girl I knew. She told me she liked me and wanted me to be her first and I was looking for anyone to show me some love. We’d met up loads of times before hand, but this time my brother came along to make sure I was alright as it was quite late and we were meeting up in the park. Well the second she laid eyes on my brother that was it, I was ignored completely. That drove me over the edge. I actually blamed my brother for the way that I was feeling for a couple of years. But to top it all off, my best friend told me that she was pregnant (I was dying for a kid, I even asked my gay best friend to give me his sperm so I could bare a child for love, not the best thing to do), which hadn’t helped matters because she had just had an abortion. I felt like everything was falling apart around me and somehow my head had just blamed it all on me. I was in pieces and couldn’t see a way out of the misery and hell that I was feeling.

But here I am now, alive and kicking. I found help and love in my religion (Wicca) and found a true friend through that too (who is also my ex strangely enough). I am what is known as in the Wiccan world as an Empath. I can tell when something is up with people around me, and it does get very overwhelming. I need to learn to control it somehow and block it out when I need to. I tend to use alcohol to mask the way I’m feeling, which sometimes helps me tune everyone’s emotions out, but then other times it magnifies it incredibly. I guess with addictions it’s a little touch and go. But I am seeking help to try and help myself with this all. I have been sober for about 2 months now, and it is incredibly difficult to do it cold turkey, but I’m trying for a child now with my partner so I am using that to spur me on.

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