Borderline: A Misunderstood Individual

I have decided to write a book. Not my usual fantasy stuff, but one detailing my experiences living with Borderline Personality Disorder. Loads of people seem to write about living with people who suffer from it, but having looked around, there are no books about it from someone who actually suffers from it. The only thing there is is a film called Girl, Interrupted. However after watching this film, it shows that you can recover from borderline. Now having spoken to numerous people about this, Borderline is incurable. It is something that me, and thousands of others will have to learn to deal with.

Although I am not yet a published writer, I do have short stories that I have written over the years, and have been advised to get published. But before I get them published however, I would rather let people know the suffering I go through on a daily basis because of my mental health. The problem with Borderline is that people always seem to think that the person suffering is attention seeking, when this is not the case. But all of this is something that will have to be read in the book. I have decided that I won’t be one of these authors that is going to charge for this, I want to help people with my experiences, and open peoples eyes, so I will publish it on Amazon, but I will also send people copies of it via email if they wish me to do so. I want to be able to try and change peoples views on this, as there is a lot of stigma attached to this condition, and not a lot is known about it either. In America they are further ahead in research into this than they are here, which makes me want to move out there just to get the help I need to live with this.

But if anyone would like a copy, then please feel free to comment below

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Bad Ideas Lead To Bad Decisions……..

In a previous blog I was going on about threeways. Well I am now finally able to say that I have done one better (or worse) than that with my current partner. I have been with another couple with him. NEVER AGAIN!!!! I thought that I was able to handle this, however it seems that I was wrong. This kind of thing is not to be entered into blindly.

We decided to go to the Spa again last night and relax. We were meant to be meeting a woman, Spice we shall call her. Well either she never turned up, or we just never found her (but not through lack of trying I might point out). Well we were also meant to be meeting up with this couple who I thought would be nice people and not the pushy ones. Boy was I wrong about that one. I’ve come to the conclusion never to trust my impulses, the results are never good.

Well, anyways back to what I was saying. The couple we shall call Lion and Tigress. Well they turned up at the spa, and he seemed timid, which I liked as it made me feel at ease. She on the other hand was a bit of a live wire, which I love in women but not in men. So I was feeling comfortable around them, and so was the boyfriend who we shall call Xzebbedy. Well we spent about an hour down in the spa area which was wonderful, they were relaxed, we were relaxed, until they suggested going upstairs to the ‘rest rooms’ also known as the ‘play rooms’, so you can imagine what goes on in there.

Anyways, I hadn’t got my antipsychotics with me, so my head was all over the place. But all started off well considering how I was feeling, I was playing with Xzebbedy and tigress was playing with Lion, and then the roles reversed and the guys were playing with us women. This is when I started to freak. There was a guy standing over me, breathing on me and playing with himself over the sight of us, which I couldn’t stand because I didn’t know him and he wasn’t invited to join in. Well then the couple decided we should go and move into the big room with the lockable door, so we did. We started chatting which put me at ease, and we told them that we’d never been with another woman, let alone another couple thinking they’d go slow. Like hell did they!!

We started playing with each other again like we were, then all of a sudden Lion came out with “would you like to touch tigress” to me, which Xzebbedy replied back with “yeah she would” which was true I did seeing as I love being with a woman, and this I was comfy with, until they started having sex and Lion started touching me without my permission.

Now there is something you need to know in order to understand why these experiences were freaking me out. When I was 11 I was raped by my boyfriend, then again when I was 18 I was raped on a regular basis by my boyfriend who I thought I loved (the reason why I never left him till 5 months later is because I thought I deserved the way I was being treated because of the way I am mentally). Then when I was 19/20 I was date raped. So guys touching me without my permission and forcing me to do things that I’d rather not do sends my head wild in a bad way, and this was no exception.

Tigress came and started doing stuff with Xzebbedy while I was playing with him myself, and Lion was going down on me, again without my permission, so by this point I was freaking out A LOT and couldn’t say anything because Xzebbedy looked like he was having a good time so I just tried to hide it all. Now Xzebbedy and I playing with Tigress was fine, I could cope with that, that was fun. However when Lion decided that he wanted to play with me, he started kissing me, which I quickly broke off and went to playing with him hoping it wouldn’t go any further than that, but I was wrong. He grabbed hold of my head and pulled it up and forced his tongue into my mouth. He then followed with “Can I f**k you?” and withouth waiting for me to say anything laid me down and grabbed a condom!! At this point, Xzebbedy looked over and saw us and I felt like a prostitute again, ddoing all of this for his pleasure and his alone. None of this was what I wanted. But seeing as Lion was having his way with me, Tigress decided she was going to do the self same thing Xzebbedy, and put a condom on him. Now seeing Xzebbedy having intercourse with another woman ripped my heart out and made me feel dirty, unloved, and unwanted. My voices were kicking off majorly, and I felt like a lost little girl who was out of her depth.

To make things worse, Lion had pushed me over and underneath Xzebbedy so that i could then pleasure Xzebbedy while he was still having his way with me. This was one thing that I had always said that I would never do again in my life because it was something I was never able to do without getting horrid flash backs. We eventually ended up having to leave the spa because I needed to take my anti psychotics just to calm down, or at least try to.

The culmination of things that I have been going through lately just came to a head yesterday and its pushed me back further than I had hoped it would do. But as usual I will get over it eventually……… Well at least one would hope I do. If I’m honest, this was possibly one of the worst times to ever do anything like that, and if I’m honest I am never doing anything like that again.

But if last night showed me anything, it’s that Xzebbedy is the love of my life, and nothing is ever going to change that for me. We have been through so much over the last year and a bit, and I am so glad that he and I are still together and still going strong. He is the one that I want to be with for the rest of my life, because he is the only one who is able to handle me at my worst and the only man I trust enough to open up to fully about my past and everything else in between. I want to be his wife, is best friend, his life time companion. I want to be the one he wakes up every morning to, and the one he cuddles at night in bed. I love him more anything, and I always will do.

If there is one thing that you take away from this? Take away the fact that threeways, fourways, whatever. If your going to do them, do them with someone you trust with your life. At least that way you know if it goes tits up, you have someone you trust to help you out with the way your feeling.

Ups and Downs of an Imperfect Relationship

Why is it as humans we have the ability to hurt others without even realising it? I’ve been thinking on this one for a while but never actually managed to work it out. I’ve experienced this one so many times in the past, and this is something that has just come up again. The ones we love the most seem to be the ones who have the power to hurt us the most. We always put faith in love, but when it comes down to it, love is always the root to all heartache.

This is a for instance that has happened to me recently. My partner goes on a site called ‘meet me’, and he doesn’t seem to realise that him looking and talking to other women while I’m sat next to him affects me so much. I look over and there he is on that site again. Every few minutes his phones goes off and its that bloody site again. Whenever I see him on that site I start having panic attacks, and my head keeps kicking off, and I feel like I’m not good enough for him anymore, or that he is getting bored of me. I have no way of being able to explain this to him without him going off on one. The last time I spoke to him about this kind of thing he lost his temper at me.

But then at the same time there are little things that he does that he doesn’t realise he does that makes me smile and realise why I have been with him for over a year. Like when we are asleep at night, there is never a moment when he isn’t touching me which comforts me. And when I’m feeling down without even saying anything to him he just pulls me over and cuddles me, or rests his head on me as if to say ‘I’m here darling’. We aren’t one of these sickening lovey dovey couples you see about, but then at the same time we are still all lovey dovey in our own way. In the past I’ve always found that after 2 or 3 months the spark has gone, and the butterflies disappear, but with him they don’t. We have been together for a year and 3 months on the 17th, and although we have had our ups and downs, we have always managed to get through them and come out better for it the other side. We have compromise, and our relationship is one of those that you get when your on your second marriage, after you’ve made all the mistakes that go wrong.

I love him to pieces, and I know that deep down in my heart he is the one I’m meant to be with for the rest of my life. I still get the butterflies whenever I see him, and I still go all silly and girly whenever I hear his name, and I still get a stupid smile on my face whenever I get a text from him. All these things put together just make me realise that although he has his flaws like everyone else, I’m lucky to have him as my man and have him in my life. I know that people think that if the relationship isn’t perfect it isn’t worth it, but a perfect relationship doesn’t exist, and they would get so bored after a while that they would crave an imperfect relationship and an imperfect man.

Spa Weekend

Well I hope everyone has had an amazing weekend. I went to a really nice spa in Brighton called Bristol Gardens Health Spa (or BGHS for short). It is a naturist spa, however is more like a brothel than anything else!! When you go in there it looks like an amazing place. You get handed towels, and told to change them whenever you wish. If it is your first time there they show you round the place. When you go through there is a little bar thing where you get clean dry towels from and glasses of water. They then take you down into the spa, and my Lord what I saw was NOT what I was expecting. There were naked people everywhere!! I thought you had to wear your towels everywhere in the place. It was my kind of heaven, but Sebb felt a little self conscious there. They had a Jacuzzi, two small hot tubs big enough for two people, one big hot tub, a plunge pool, numerous showers (including one shower that only had a very cold setting to it incase you got too hot), they also had two saunas and two steam rooms (both of which were of different sizes and temperatures). When you go upstairs, they have a rest room area, and this is where all the ‘fun’ happens. When Sebb and I went in there after our tour, it was full of people having sex, and there were threesomes going on too!! The first time that we went there, we didn’t get involved as we were only there for about 2 hours, however the second time that we went there we got really stuck in if you know what I mean ;). We had a 4 way with a couple, and then an orgy with a few other couples!! Sebb was looking to have a threesome, but I was more looking for couples, and my Lord did my wishes come true ;P. If there is anyone out there that is considering trying anything like this? My advice to you would be to go there. It is such a relaxed environment there on the weekend, and everyone is so friendly too. I am looking forward to going back there at some point.

Holiday time!!

Hey all my lovelies!!

Well its that time of year for me already. I am on holiday from Friday 31st till Monday 9th so might not be blogging during that time, but I will try and post quick notes about how my holiday is going, and what I am getting up to at that time, just to keep you guys in the loop.

I’m off to Wisbech to see my partner’s mum and family for a bit, which’ll be a nice break for me, however his ex lives in the same town as him so that will be difficult for me to deal with, but I shall have to get over it some how.